she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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