Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Randomize
