OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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