My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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