The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
