I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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