I'm gonna have a badass scar
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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