ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize