I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
