plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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