3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
