You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The ass gains better be worth it
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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