I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
