Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize