I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
