I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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