im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
