Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
