K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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