Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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