he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
