The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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