I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
