i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
