so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
