Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
