I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
