I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
