I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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