So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
