i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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