Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
