you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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