I cockslap morals
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
