just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
