how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
