Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
