my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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