If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
