The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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