I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
