No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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