Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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