we have pet lesbian snakes
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
