i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
