I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
