Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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