I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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