There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
