You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
