After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
