Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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