See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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