thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
