I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize