i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
