i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
