I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
