Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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