Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
