I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
